i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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