I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
