i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
