I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
