I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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