just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
