Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
