I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
