i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
