We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
