she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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