The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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