She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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