By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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