I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
