ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ttyl tear gas
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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