mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
