All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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