FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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