Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
