im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
kristin has been a bad kristin
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
