How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
