Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
