Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
