I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
