Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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