Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
