There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
