I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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