apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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