So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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