I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
