i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
