i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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