Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
