Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
