if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
