I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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