Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
