I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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