the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
