now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
