Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
