I just threw up on my dentist
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
