I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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