the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Randomize
