Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Randomize
