If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
