my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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