I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
