I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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