yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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