Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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